On 9th May, David Mitchell asked parents ‘What do your children mean to you?’ on his blog.
It got me thinking and I left a comment. I was deeply flattered when David quoted me later in a presentation to trainee teachers at Plymouth University.
I thought I’d give my comment a post of its own. Here it is:
“A really tricky one and it has really made me think.
I was born in 1967 so grew up in the 1970s and 1980s. How much danger was I in as a child? How much was I exposed to? Sure, there was less traffic on the road, the Internet didn’t exist, telly had 3 channels and stopped at 11.30pm. However, I don’t think there were fewer paedophiles or nasty people around. I don’t think that I was in any less danger walking to the shop aged 11 than my daughter is now. I took my freedom for granted. We lived in a village until I was 10 and I can remember in school holidays going out into the countryside after breakfast and not returning until tea time. No mobile phones, just trusted to come back eventually. I moved to a town aged 10 and my world of experience expanded exponentially. I remember engaging in incredibly risky (and exciting) activities that I have survived. Were my parents right to afford me such liberty? Have I just been lucky to still be alive? I don’t know the answers. However, I do believe that I learnt an enormous amount during those days of freedom. I learnt to be self-reliant. I learnt the point at which a fire starts to get out of control. I learnt that not all adults are benign. And much more. I am convinced that those days and experiences have made me what I am now.
So. Now I am a parent. Like Jan, I still vividly remember the day I first looked my baby daughter in the eye and my son’s first night that he spent asleep on my chest. I, like other parents, want only the best for them. However, and here comes the possibly controversial bit… I want my children to get hurt. I want them to get hurt a *bit*. Just enough for the ‘hurt’ to help them to know better next time. Now, I could *tell* them about all the things that might hurt them. I could shield them from those things and not let them do things that might expose them to the risk of pain and hurt but I know from my own experience that the *actual* pain, rather than the warning, is where my learning lay. Bring it on, I say! I want my daughter to have some horrible boyfriends now or the next year or two. I want her to get hurt by them now and learn the pitfalls sooner rather than later (when the pain or consequences might be so much worse). I have encouraged my children to play with matches, to poke the fire, to climb the tree, to use the big kitchen knife. My kids can go out into the fields after breakfast and come back at tea time (although we have mobile phones now). They do go to the shop alone. They have cut themselves, they have burnt their fingers. They also have some wisdom as a consequence.
Don’t get me wrong, it pains me. I would never forgive myself if anything happened, but then it would pain me more to see them grow up risk-averse and unambitious. I’m not saying that our way is the only way and that other approaches *would* lead to risk-averseness etc, but it is what we’ve chosen.
The media has a lot to answer for with high-profile publicity highlighting the risks of walking down the street to online grooming etc. It has helped create a society in which parents are judged irresponsible and reprimanded by bystanders if their children are in a different aisle in the supermarket (I’ve been there). You can only be a good parent if you prove it by ensuring you child is as safe as possible all the time. Don’t get me started on ball-pools and soft-play centres…
Please don’t think of me as utterly liberal either. We have always discussed risks with our children and done endless ‘what would happen if…’ scenarios. We want our children to be aware of risks but also at liberty to take them.
All this and not a mention of e-safety. Well, my views are similar. We need to educate, raise awareness of risk, accept that things will probably happen, hope that they won’t be *too* bad and use them as learning opportunities. My children use technology with incredible deftness and liberty but they do so in shared spaces in our house and they are aware (in an age-appropriate way) that there is a risk involved. They also know that there is a degree of trust that things they *might* see, we can talk about. I do check their browsing history and online activity and trust that we are open enough that issues (yet to arise) will be dealt with appropriately. Do I switch the internet off on their devices? No, in the same way I don’t stop them going out.
I thank my parents for my childhood liberty. I wonder if my own children will do the same for me.
Finally, please watch this TED Talk by Gever Tulley. It says it all.
http://www.ted.com/talks/gever_tulley_on_5_dangerous_things_for_kids.html
Dughall's stuff 